L’esprit de escalier:

November 27, 2011

2011-11-27T21:30:00.000-05:00

Good things that happened this "vacation"

I saw my grandparents and uncles.
My ipod got fixed.
I got a new pair of shoes...
I made some kick ass mashed potatoes.

Bad things that happened:

My whole nuclear family.
I didn't do any homework.
The end of the vacation was really, really shitty. I should be back in Boston right now, but instead I'm here.
My mother and my grandmother had one of their traditional holiday blowouts ending in tears and a particularly festive, "I PROBABLY WON'T EVEN COME FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!"
My sister Megan, in general is a colossal bitch and I can just SEE how much holidays are going to suck in the future.
I think I want to be a lawyer or a doctor. I would be completely unsatisfied being anything else.
My ipod is almost dead and I don't have a charger #firstworldproblems.
The first part of the vacation was awesome, but today was a shitshow and that ruined everything for me.

2011-06-22T00:04:00.001-04:00

I'm angry. I'm allowed to be angry. Anger is not some taboo emotion one should tuck back inside to his or her being. No, you should allow yourself to be angry. Don't let it overtake you because it will do more harm than good, but I am allowed to be angry. I'm allowed to be angry at Carolyn for thinking it's okay to be rude, nasty, mean and judgmental one day and nice, sweet and innocent the next. I'm allowed to be angry with "Carla" for saying that I have "service issues" FOUR months after the fact. That really irritates me. Okay, if I had service issues back in February this is what you do:

In the month that you notice these "issues" you take me aside, and you explain to me what they are and what I can do to fix them.

You do not:

Switch my position at work without consulting me first, and tell me four months later that I have "service issues," without delving deeper into the details of what those issues are.

These are facts, not opinions. I am so lucky though, that I have the opportunity to attend NEU. I can feel myself shining there already. I will work as hard as I can to achieve my dream of law school. I will get there. I may have to deal with a few jerks ("Carla") along the way, but I will get there.

My mom isn't speaking to me because I slammed the door today when she couldn't find her library card. I'm so sick of her being a baby and bringing up all my past indiscretions when she is reprimanding me. Just grow up. I love you, mom. But please, grow up.

I'm scared about my "derp." I just want to get it and by over with so that I can feel like everyone else, and not a child.

I was going through a crisis this week. I was really confused, but now I am no longer confused and I feel really good about myself. It's really hard being a girl. But I feel better about myself and I know myself.

6/17/11

2011-04-01T19:43:00.002-04:00

I finished freshman year with a 4.0.

I will be attending Northeastern University in the fall.

This makes me happy.

I still love...people but I am much better at dealing with it.

The Red Sox are doing okay atm (in this particular game). Meh.

I still need to take out the loan and sadly find a place to live.

3/15

2011-03-15T20:06:00.000-04:00

Corinne slept over last night and it was the best girls's night ever :) We chatted and really talked about everything. It was so lovely, we did sleep ten hours though... haha

2011-03-14T17:43:00.000-04:00

Today was a very unproductive today, but it was the first unproductive day I've had in weeks, so that is absolutely fine. I still need to finish adding the edits onto my computer for my college essay, and I need to read LOADS for psych and ethics but I'm having a sleepover tonight so HA!

Lent

2011-03-11T09:31:00.000-05:00

I really haven't been good about being religious lately. That's fine, but I figured might as well do something for Lent, right? So I've given up blush and lipstick and stuck to mascara and eye shadow. I really didn't wear that much makeup to begin with, so I thought this was an "easy out" and I have decided to give up soda (harder than it sounds), caffeine (aside from tea), putting butter on toast/bread etc and not go the vendies as much (like once a week). I also want to eat three times as much fruit and veggies as I did before. This is probably a very personal journey.

Today was productive

2011-03-10T20:18:00.000-05:00

I hope I don't bore my zero followers as I reconstruct my day.
1. It was far better than yesterday, that is for sure. It was also far better than Tuesday but not as good as Monday. I finished nearly everything for transferring. The pieces have finally all locked in place and after this weekend (or so) I won't ever have to look at another common application again! How exciting is that?! I'll also miss some things. I'll miss one very important thing.
2. AH I SAW HIM TODAY. I mean we only said hi, and there are loads of complications along with it, how we perceive each other and such... I mean that is a huge factor that cannot be ignored, ever.
3. Shall see him tomorrow as I have to go to campus and work tirelessly until 2:23 and then I can go home and get ready for the MAIN EVENT of tomorrow night which is Haley's lovely birthday <3

Early

2011-03-10T09:47:00.000-05:00

Hopefully he'll show up today, I really miss him. This morning I made progress on my transfer essay, it already more organized than it was earlier, I really am very proud of it. My Ethics mid-term got cancelled for today (last week) and pushed until after break, thank goodness. I really don't like that class, it really infuriates me.
This was relatively short and very rant-y. I'll probably (?) update later

Two posts in one day! It must be Wednesday Night

2011-03-09T20:29:00.001-05:00

Today was Ash Wednesday. I had class this morning at an inhumanly early time, and had several meetings later in the day so going to church was just not an option. I know I should make it an option, and I'm the worst Christian ever for neglecting to go church. However I'm participating in Hollie's True Beauty Challenge, I don't wear as much makeup as say...my sister but I've given up lipstick and I'm going to try and give up eyeshadow. My eyelids really freak me out, so this may not last, but I can't give up mascara. Also my mom and I are going to challenge each other to do five unnecessary kind things a day. We'll see...Also possibly soda because I drink too much
The transfer process took a nasty lurch. Erica isn't going to be in until the end of March and applications are due April 1st. She did leave a number/email of someone I can contact though. It just makes my life incredibly stressful.
I was rifling through my old Environmental Science papers (I miss that class with my whole soul) and found a paper I wrote and the comments my professor made just made me so, so happy, I feel like framing that paper!
Today was a pretty good day besides the fact that I am a bad Christian. Speaking of Christianity I've had a crisis of faith lately. I don't really want to go into it, but I just felt very lackluster lately. Then I spotted a conversation on facebook and I felt rejuvenated! I feel very Christian. I'm not sure if I'm Catholic any longer, but I am very Christian, with a bit of hard facts, logic and reason mixed in.
Off to edit!!

Look at this, a post!

2011-03-09T07:34:00.001-05:00

Well, I memorized the monologue! It just happened, I went to bed - and woke up and it was there! I am so proud of myself :) Maybe I'll upload a vid of me doing it later. Who knows? I had fun doing it. I'm excited for the following today:

being done with my common app essays
possibly being done with the Brandeis and Conn essays!!
viewing Tangled
going to see Jessica. Okay, this doesn't excite me, there is nothing exciting about family therapy, but I like her and she helps.
Oh and showing up everybody in my drama class. Don't question it, I'm not a bitch.

things i am not excited for:

the written part of the drama essay. I mean its open book, but c'mon you made me memorize a monologue and not we have to take a quiz? Rude.
Sitting here for the next 31 minutes while the other group rehearses.
One of them just said "HELLO" to me. Seriously? I have no friends in that class, no friends. It makes me really sad. Well, theres one girl I talk to and she seems pretty nice but everyone else is just RUDE.
Working this weekend :( I had a really bad nightmare about work. I don't want to elaborate because this is the internet. The main reason I don't want to work is because I miss my family. I miss Shaws, I miss my grandparent and my uncles. I miss visiting them on a whim. I was reading an old journal from last year at this time and I was going to visit them almost every weekend in March. I was probably fed up with it at the time, but now I miss it. I miss it so much.
Meeting with the transfer counselor today
I am not excited for the prospect of staying at this school for another year.
There are a few other things I am not excited for: growing up, bills, not being able to go back in time. I miss being a kid.

2011-03-08T16:30:00.001-05:00

Things I have yet to do:
Successfully get together with my transfer advisor
Successfully put my edited work for my college transfer essay on the computer
Successfully memorize my monologue for tomorrow

Update 3/8/11

2011-03-08T14:58:00.000-05:00

Well Happy New Year! Its been a great ride, and as for that paper I got a 96, so not to worry. I finished off the semester with a 4.0 and made myself very happy. I recently joined the Honor's Society (Phi Theta Kappa) and made the decision to transfer. I am procrastinating right now. I added a new blog if you want to check it out here. I have a tumblr as well which you can check out here or here. I decided I need a little privacy but I may forward this link to a few tumblrs :) After I solve the "process" of transferring my work over to this site, I will have to get back to my life of drudgery (memorizing, editing, writing etc). Some more updates: I have not yet really managed to get over "Bob," life continues to take me down that boring, winding path. It doesn't consume me as much as it did, but it is still very consuming, very tiring. I have fallen for yet another unavailable person, a story which I wove quite nicely into my current piece of work. On another note, I removed many people that irritate me from facebook and it has made me much happier. I may have to go on another purge sometime soon, because its that time of year again.
Again, I am very nervous for transferring. I made a decision today as I was writing a "Margaret" fact sheet, I want to live in Worcester. In three years, I may move there and begin my Master's studies at Clark. No one reads this anyways, but I am considering this with much weight. I miss it!
xx

Monday, 12/6 12:18 PM

2010-12-06T12:24:00.000-05:00

I'm scared. I'm a procrastinator, but never has it come this close before, so close that I turned in my works cited late. Meredith, in the syllabus said that no papers shall be late. However, my paper was not late, nor was my works cited, it was merely my works cited only changed around a bit. I sent her an email explaining everything, because other than my tardiness I am REALLY confident about this paper. Oh God, I am so scared. I didn't even have time to hyperventilate because I had to write another paper which I did, and I am also proud of that paper. My prayer for today is that all my papers come out looking smashing and that Meredith understands. I used the argument of "paper," "turning everything else in on time, this semester and now," me being an "irresponsible student," and how I fell asleep. I pray it works. OH GOD LET IT WORK. PLEASE. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. Now the freak out begins!

11/17 approx 6:35

2010-11-17T18:35:00.001-05:00

What is WRONG with me? My mom bought me this beautiful bangle from an expensive jewelry store, and it got stolen today. I wouldn’t be so concerned if I hadn’t lost another bracelet last week (while wearing the same shirt). I’m also INCREDIBLY emotional this week because I’m female and sometimes that sucks. Also, Staples was supposed to have my laptop ready by today and they told me it would be another week. I’m just incredibly upset those bracelets got stolen/lost. My bet is stolen because they were both lost in a public place and have not turned up in a Lost and Found. I fucking hate people. I refuse to look at this relatively. Those bracelets had sentimental value. I KNOW I should have a better mind of them when I’m in public I know that. Sometimes I can be astonishingly dim.
I hate being so careless, and so wrapped up in my mind that phrases come out midsentance.
I hate this.
Maybe I’m developing a brain disease. The way my luck is going, this is probably the case. Or I’m just a stressed college student who is having an incredibly unfortunate week.
:(

11/16

2010-11-16T14:52:00.000-05:00

Lets see:
*The wedding (10/23) was amazing. I love my extended family with so many particles of my soul. I love them. I love them. I watched Barbara dance and tried not to laugh, but she's sweet. I danced with Ann and drank wine. It was a beautiful experience. I have never felt happier. I wish my mother knew that I legitimately AM a happy person, I really am. We all get down sometimes, and I personally thing she's feeling so crappy HERSELF that she is projecting it onto me.
*People get into relationships. It's great. It's never me. I still have these weird holes all over my heart for the people I used to have feelings for.
*My grades are still astounding

Sunday 10/2 around 11PM

2010-10-03T23:12:00.000-04:00

Well I finished most of what I needed to do for tonight, and I am much too lazy and too tired to begin Environmental Science. So far my grades have been astounding. I don't know how I do it, since I literally do everything at the last minute. I suppose that is college, right? I just made out an entire schedule for this week and I feel SO much better. Seriously. This blog will not dwell on the past. I have a nasty habit of just looking to the past in sadness and in sorrow. Dreaming of the things that could be, instead of the things that are, I know I need to focus on the now. Today's the thing.

Sunday 10/2

2010-10-03T20:36:00.000-04:00

This is literally probably the 50th blog I have created. I have an addiction. I like to start over fresh. I like learning but I hate homework. I hate procrastinating, yet, I do it. I tend to fall in "like" to easily. I have a wild imagination. I dream of falling in love, but I always get scared. I fell in love with someone once. Only once. It was not reciprocated, so I tried to forget it. I have a short paper (250 words) due in about three hours. See, I procrastinate. I like to write. I want to be a lawyer, though I'm really not sure that is what I want to do yet. I don't sleep often. I just got glasses today. I'm going to get better about procrastinating, I promise.