Do you remember when you knew you first wanted to be something? A cop, a doctor, or a lawyer? I think I wanted to be a ballet teacher. In fact, there is actual video footage of me declaring this nonverbally at a preschool event. My parents were very invested in capturing every embarrassing moment of my childhood, the perks of being the first born. That phase ended very quickly. But I wonder, do you remember when you first wanted to be something? I don't take stock in the fact that I wanted to be a ballerina. Some friends would say it's why I pulled towards theater a little ways down the road, and that should be my true calling. I feel sorry for those people, the ones that can't separate childhood from adolescence, the people that look for signs in every damn corner of their lives. But I suppose just because I stopped being passionate about the things I was passionate about when I was eight doesn't mean everyone should.

Today is the day

Today is the day. Today. Don't worry about yesterday. Worry a little less about tomorrow and focus on today. I always hated when people told me not to worry about tomorrow, not to worry about the future. I think some day I might be able to do that. I might be able to stop worrying about tomorrow, but now all I can do is worry about tomorrow a little less. Tomorrow is a brand new day, with no mistakes in it. Who said that? I think it was L.M. Montgomery. Tomorrow is the fresh page of your diary, the unwritten song. You know all the cliches, I don't need to spell them out for you. Don't take things to seriously. Laugh more. Be more open. Tell people exactly what you are feeling. Be direct. Don't be passive aggressive. Passive aggressive people are weak. Admittedly, we're all pretty passive aggressive at some point. But don't let it become a habit. Don't let it poison you. It's been over a year since I gave a fuck about this blog. I can't even explain the amount of growth I did, particularly last summer. I became more independent and more grounded in my ideas. My ideas, not my mother's, not my father's, but my ideas. I became closer with my father - and for good reason. I broke away from my mother. I fell in and out of love. I watched close friends drift away, and I understood the meaning of loneliness. I understood what it felt like to be surrounded by noise, people, and music and feel the most alone I've ever felt. I understood what it felt like to be rejected. To be told you are not as beautiful or smart as you think you are. I know what it's like (and I'm sure anyone reading this is does too) to sit at Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner and watch your mother's lips unfurl into that supercilious smile that indicates she thinks your ideas are crazy, silly, and youthful. I know what it's like to be told you're a slut by a close friend who didn't realize she was calling you a slut with self-esteem issues. And I've also learned not to let any of these things bother me anymore. Sure, the initial sting is still there when someone personally attacks me, but I don't get worked up over casual sexism anymore (more than casual sexism still requires a breath in and out). Sometimes I still get worked up over religion. This has been a long and meaningless post that will benefit no one else but me. Happy eating (I'm hungry, fuck off).

November 27, 2011

Good things that happened this "vacation"

• I saw my grandparents and uncles.
• My ipod got fixed.
• I got a new pair of shoes...
• I made some kick ass mashed potatoes.

Bad things that happened:

• My whole nuclear family.
• I didn't do any homework.
• The end of the vacation was really, really shitty. I should be back in Boston right now, but instead I'm here. 
• My mother and my grandmother had one of their traditional holiday blowouts ending in tears and a particularly festive, "I PROBABLY WON'T EVEN COME FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!"
• My sister Megan, in general is a colossal bitch and I can just SEE how much holidays are going to suck in the future. 
• I think I want to be a lawyer or a doctor. I would be completely unsatisfied being anything else.
• My ipod is almost dead and I don't have a charger #firstworldproblems.
• The first part of the vacation was awesome, but today was a shitshow and that ruined everything for me.

I'm angry. I'm allowed to be angry. Anger is not some taboo emotion one should tuck back inside to his or her being. No, you should allow yourself to be angry. Don't let it overtake you because it will do more harm than good, but I am allowed to be angry. I'm allowed to be angry at Carolyn for thinking it's okay to be rude, nasty, mean and judgmental one day and nice, sweet and innocent the next. I'm allowed to be angry with "Carla" for saying that I have "service issues" FOUR months after the fact. That really irritates me. Okay, if I had service issues back in February this is what you do:

• In the month that you notice these "issues" you take me aside, and you explain to me what they are and what I can do to fix them.

You do not:

• Switch my position at work without consulting me first, and tell me four months later that I have "service issues," without delving deeper into the details of what those issues are.

These are facts, not opinions. I am so lucky though, that I have the opportunity to attend NEU. I can feel myself shining there already. I will work as hard as I can to achieve my dream of law school. I will get there. I may have to deal with a few jerks ("Carla") along the way, but I will get there.

My mom isn't speaking to me because I slammed the door today when she couldn't find her library card. I'm so sick of her being a baby and bringing up all my past indiscretions when she is reprimanding me. Just grow up. I love you, mom. But please, grow up. 

I'm scared about my "derp." I just want to get it and by over with so that I can feel like everyone else, and not a child.

I was going through a crisis this week. I was really confused, but now I am no longer confused and I feel really good about myself. It's really hard being a girl. But I feel better about myself and I know myself.

Look at this, a post!

Well, I memorized  the monologue! It just happened, I went to bed - and woke up and it was there! I am so proud of myself :) Maybe I'll upload a vid of me doing it later. Who knows? I had fun doing it. I'm excited for the following today:

• being done with my common app essays
• possibly being done with the Brandeis and Conn essays!!
• viewing Tangled
• going to see Jessica. Okay, this doesn't excite me, there is nothing exciting about family therapy, but I like her and she helps.
• Oh and showing up everybody in my drama class. Don't question it, I'm not a bitch.

things i am not excited for:

• the written part of the drama essay. I mean its open book, but c'mon you made me memorize a monologue and not we have to take a quiz? Rude.
• Sitting here for the next 31 minutes while the other group rehearses.
• One of them just said "HELLO" to me. Seriously? I have no friends in that class, no friends. It makes me really sad. Well, theres one girl I talk to and she seems pretty nice but everyone else is just RUDE.
• Working this weekend :( I had a really bad nightmare about work. I don't want to elaborate because this is the internet. The main reason I don't want to work is because I miss my family. I miss Shaws, I miss my grandparent and my uncles. I miss visiting them on a whim. I was reading an old journal from last year at this time and I was going to visit them almost every weekend in March. I was probably fed up with it at the time, but now I miss it. I miss it so much.
• Meeting with the transfer counselor today
• I am not excited for the prospect of staying at this school for another year.
• There are a few other things I am not excited for: growing up, bills, not being able to go back in time. I miss being a kid.

Things I have yet to do:
Successfully get together with my transfer advisor
Successfully put my edited work for my college transfer essay on the computer
Successfully memorize my monologue for tomorrow

Update 3/8/11

Well Happy New Year! Its been a great ride, and as for that paper I got a 96, so not to worry. I finished off the semester with a 4.0 and made myself very happy. I recently joined the Honor's Society (Phi Theta Kappa) and made the decision to transfer. I am procrastinating right now. I added a new blog if you want to check it out here. I have a tumblr as well which you can check out here or here. I decided I need a little privacy but I may forward this link to a few tumblrs :) After I solve the "process" of transferring my work over to this site, I will have to get back to my life of drudgery (memorizing, editing, writing etc). Some more updates: I have not yet really managed to get over "Bob," life continues to take me down that boring, winding path. It doesn't consume me as much as it did, but it is still very consuming, very tiring. I have fallen for yet another unavailable person, a story which I wove quite nicely into my current piece of work. On another note, I removed many people that irritate me from facebook and it has made me much happier. I may have to go on another purge sometime soon, because its that time of year again.
Again, I am very nervous for transferring. I made a decision today as I was writing a "Margaret" fact sheet, I want to live in Worcester. In three years, I may move there and begin my Master's studies at Clark. No one reads this anyways, but I am considering this with much weight. I miss it!
xx