Do you remember when you knew you first wanted to be something? A cop, a doctor, or a lawyer? I think I wanted to be a ballet teacher. In fact, there is actual video footage of me declaring this nonverbally at a preschool event. My parents were very invested in capturing every embarrassing moment of my childhood, the perks of being the first born. That phase ended very quickly. But I wonder, do you remember when you first wanted to be something? I don't take stock in the fact that I wanted to be a ballerina. Some friends would say it's why I pulled towards theater a little ways down the road, and that should be my true calling. I feel sorry for those people, the ones that can't separate childhood from adolescence, the people that look for signs in every damn corner of their lives. But I suppose just because I stopped being passionate about the things I was passionate about when I was eight doesn't mean everyone should.

Today is the day

Today is the day. Today. Don't worry about yesterday. Worry a little less about tomorrow and focus on today. I always hated when people told me not to worry about tomorrow, not to worry about the future. I think some day I might be able to do that. I might be able to stop worrying about tomorrow, but now all I can do is worry about tomorrow a little less. Tomorrow is a brand new day, with no mistakes in it. Who said that? I think it was L.M. Montgomery. Tomorrow is the fresh page of your diary, the unwritten song. You know all the cliches, I don't need to spell them out for you. Don't take things to seriously. Laugh more. Be more open. Tell people exactly what you are feeling. Be direct. Don't be passive aggressive. Passive aggressive people are weak. Admittedly, we're all pretty passive aggressive at some point. But don't let it become a habit. Don't let it poison you. It's been over a year since I gave a fuck about this blog. I can't even explain the amount of growth I did, particularly last summer. I became more independent and more grounded in my ideas. My ideas, not my mother's, not my father's, but my ideas. I became closer with my father - and for good reason. I broke away from my mother. I fell in and out of love. I watched close friends drift away, and I understood the meaning of loneliness. I understood what it felt like to be surrounded by noise, people, and music and feel the most alone I've ever felt. I understood what it felt like to be rejected. To be told you are not as beautiful or smart as you think you are. I know what it's like (and I'm sure anyone reading this is does too) to sit at Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner and watch your mother's lips unfurl into that supercilious smile that indicates she thinks your ideas are crazy, silly, and youthful. I know what it's like to be told you're a slut by a close friend who didn't realize she was calling you a slut with self-esteem issues. And I've also learned not to let any of these things bother me anymore. Sure, the initial sting is still there when someone personally attacks me, but I don't get worked up over casual sexism anymore (more than casual sexism still requires a breath in and out). Sometimes I still get worked up over religion. This has been a long and meaningless post that will benefit no one else but me. Happy eating (I'm hungry, fuck off).